45+ pounds shed over the last two years. There have been ups & downs, but thankfully I have never moved higher than the 222 I weighed in the summer of 2012. I have lost more than that because I gained some back after last year's race season was over. Hoping to not let that happen again after November. Problem I have now is I don't have many clothes that actually fit. For those of you that know me, you know how much I hate shopping. Previously, I would rather sit in the dentist chair than shop because it was so depressing. I have always preferred loose fitting clothes because they work well at hiding things. I am used to blending into the crowd, not standing out, but the time has come that I have no alternative. Nowadays, I rely on the help of the store employees when I shop. Last night was no exception. I was at my favorite bike shop & they had jerseys on sale. So I grab a large & Floyd sees a large in my hand & says no way - you are a medium. Well crap, how does he know that & I don't? Back to the dressing room & go to try on the clothes. I go out and model it for them because I think it is way too small but they give me the thumbs up. I try on another which looked terrible & showed them. The response was classic - I don't want to be critical, but it doesn't look good at all. Good to know because that's what I thought too, so maybe they were telling the truth about the black jersey. I end up getting 2 jerseys since they were on sale (can't pass up a deal!) and I ordered some new bike shoes - of course they weren't on sale, but they are the 2015s so I am excited to get them in a week along with new pedals. I guess at some point soon, I am going to have to venture into a real clothing store to do some shopping. I hope I am willing to throw myself at the mercy of the staff because I don't know what sizes or clothes look good. I still see all the excess weight & flaws that I have known for the past 20 years & worked so hard to hide. I guess it will be fun? Kind of like whole new person emerging from behind the baggy clothes.
Times like this are when I wish mom were still around to celebrate with me. Of course, if she was still here, would I have been so successful with these changes? I really don't know. Losing her along with Joe & Karen let me with a huge hole in my life. I lost three of my best friends & working out has proven to be something that I can focus my energy on & avoid the lonely feelings that are always lurking. But sometimes it isn't enough to workout, some days there is a feeling I can't shake & it makes me feel miserable. No matter how hard I try, I just can't get out of the funk. The other day seemed like a regular run of the mill day - or so
I thought. I kept trying to leave the office, but one thing after
another kept me there. When I finally left, I was so drained. I started driving & the tears started falling. Once it started, I couldn't stop for almost the
entire drive home. I wish I knew the reasons for it - could be hormones or stress, but I just don't know. Maybe
it's my body/minds way of telling me I need to relax. Now, it is going on three days. I am at wits end because I wish the feeling would pass, but no matter what I do, it is stuck to me like glue. When asked why I am not happy, I have no good answer. I just shut down. I don't like to burden my friends with all the ups & downs of my life. I feel if I did that my circle of friends would shrink (probably not the case, but it is what I think). In all seriousness though, I have amazing friends who tell me I am supposed to share these things with them, but I don't want to interrupt their lives, so I will keep it close & share it when I am ready. Hope you are there when I need you.
And here's the new jersey, I still think it should be bigger, but I am trying to change my way of looking at things...
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