Believe

Friday morning, I was at the track for some testing. As I was finishing my warm up, I thought about the test ahead of me & the time I wanted to beat from last summer. It has been a long five months in regards to my running. I started off strong, but I wasn't honest with myself about a nagging injury & I paid the price for it. I pretty much shut down my running for close to a month, had countless PT sessions & spent a lot of time stretching/foam rolling. As I listened to the chatter around me at the track, I told myself I could do it & I would beat my previous time. There was no doubt at all in my mind. I didn't know what kind of time I would get, but I was confident I would be faster (and hopefully by more than 1 second!) Details on how to approach the test were being shared, but to be honest, I turned on my music & tuned out the voices. I knew what needed to be done. I started my watch & the test began. I went out a little too fast (no surprise there) but was able to dial it back in so I would have the energy to finish. My pacing was consistent & my mind was clear. In the end, I finished 12 seconds ahead of last summer's time. It was one of the first days in a while that I can remember running where nothing bothered me. Of course, my legs were all sorts of messed up during my cool down mile, but that was to be expected & isn't important right now.  What happened to me during the run was the important thing. I was confident in my abilities & had no doubts. I knew I would crush the test (although I don't know if 12 seconds is really crushing it?) What I wanted to know in my mind was when did I become the person who believed in herself? For most of adult life, I have always made excuses and/or sold myself short. I don't know why I allowed myself to be my worst critic, but it has been the case for years. I have never felt that I am worthy enough to be happy or successful at what I do. It was a horrible mindset & wasn't helped with my depression. But something over the last few weeks/months has changed in my mind. I no longer doubt my abilities. I know I am strong & capable & worthy. I got the idea from Fellow Flowers when I purchased my dark pink flower. It spoke to me when I read it's definition: "Fierce. Beauty, clarity, purpose. Standing your ground. Realizing your strength. Owning your power. I am worthy." In fact,  it helped inspire my mantra that I came up with last year while training for Marine Corps.  I would repeat it over & over while running - I am strong, I am capable, I am worthy. I guess it just took a few months for my mind to finally accept that I wasn't going to back down. I don't know why we sell ourselves short so much, but I know it happens. The old doubts of I'm not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough or smart enough.  Screw that, I'm happy & strong & worthy. Realize your strengths & own them.