My least favorite subject

Cancer.  It is one of the ugliest words in the English language.  My grandmother died from cancer when I was 8 years old.  In 2003, my brother was diagnosed with testicular cancer and died 3 months later.  In 2004, my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and she lost her battle in February 2006.  My mother had 5 different primary cancers.  She lost her battle in June 2011 after her uterine cancer metastasized.  It is really hard to remain optimistic when hearing things about cancer.  I know there are survival stories.  Heck, they were going to write books about my brother's treatment protocol because the cancer was gone, but he died of a complication.  There are so many survival stories in my own circle of friends and I am so happy for all survivors & I pray that it steers clear of you & your loved ones.

I received a call the other day from someone close to me who was calling to update me on the health of someone they are close  to (I shall refer to them as Bertha - one of my nicknames from a neighbor growing up)  When they told me Bertha's cancer had spread to other parts of the body, I knew the end was coming & I was like - okay, say the right things Melissa, don't piss them off (which I have been know to do on occasion).  I didn't know what they wanted from me - probably nothing other than someone to listen & ask for my prayers.   I wanted to feel something - sadness, anger at the news that another person I know was not winning their fight.  But nothing came except acceptance & resignation to the fact that this was happening.  Is that normal? Maybe, maybe not.  I feel like I have lost the energy to be supportive & say the "right things".   I do care immensely, but after everything - especially the last 15 months - I think the control freak in me won't let me react.  One friend says it is my survival instinct kicking in.  Another friend told me I didn't need to burden myself with this news because I needed good news in my life after all the heartache of the last nine years.  I don't know what I need other than cancer to be eradicated from the face of the earth.  When my mom's cancer came back last fall, she told me she wasn't going to cry because if she did, she wouldn't be able to stop.  I still have not cried very much since losing my mom - but I do still pick up the phone to try to call her :)  

Writing this makes me feel better.  I have to realize that people are not always looking for me to get involved, they are just keeping me informed.  I have been the go-to person for so long - when things need to be taken care of, I am usually the one who does it.  Now I think I am ready to sit back and be the person who assists instead of taking the lead.