A decade has passed

A decade has passed since you died.  Some days it feels like just yesterday, others a lifetime ago.  I woke up this morning and thought about it (like most mornings).  While in the shower I came up with the best way to express it - lets hope I don't muddle it up too much!  

Testicular cancer - never really heard about it until February 2003.  Then is seemed to pop up in the news everywhere.  Sure I had heard about it because Lance Armstrong had beaten it, but that is about all I knew.  You hadn't been feeling well for a while, but had no health insurance so didn't go to the doctors.  Finally at mom & dad's insistence, they took you to their doctor.  You knew something was wrong and when the diagnosis was cancer, it shocked us all.  Surgery followed & you were in the hospital for a few days.  We moved you out of your rental to come back home.  There were problems & the cancer had spread to other places.  I have a notebook from mom that tracked all of the specifics, but won't go into that here.  Problems arose & you had to be admitted into the hospital.  You were there for forty days & I visited every day but one.  I remember a co-worker asking why I did that and saying I didn't need to.  I told him if it were me in the hospital, you would do the same.  We played golf on your X-box & even played some tricks on your visitors :)  But mostly I came because I didn't want you to be alone. I remember you telling me the doctor had come in and you asked your chances for survival & he said 50/50.  You were surprised & hopeful because you thought they would say you only a slim chance of survival.  Your team of doctors used new treatment protocols & the tumors shrunk so rapidly.  If it continued to work, they were going to write treatment plans for others based on the treatment you received.  On April 4th you were released & came back home.  I remember stopping by after work to say hi & you said it didn't matter if you had to lay in bed forever that you were happy just to be out of the hospital.  The final four was that weekend & you were in the running to win it all.  Monday night's championship game came & your team won (don't remember who it was now) & you won the pool!  Karen brought over the kids to have a celebratory lunch with you & mom the next day.  I talked to you for a little on the phone.  After lunch, you were tired and needed a nap.  A little while later you called for mom because you were having problems.  Dad came home a few minutes later & they called the ambulance to take you back to the hospital.  I didn't know anything was going on.  I remember hearing sirens at the office & thought I hope that isn't for Joe.  I had tried to call the house after that & got no answer.  I called Karen & she said she had heard it too & didn't know anything.  I had an idea that something was happening, but I didn't know what.  I remember talking to my co-workers about our niece & nephew coming over to see you.  They were wondering if they knew you were sick since they were so young at the time.  I said they had been told because it would be better to say you were sick than dead.  Right before leaving the office for the day, I received a call from mom who said you were in surgery.  I went to my boss & said I don't know if I will be in tomorrow morning because you were in emergency surgery and headed out.  They told me not to come to the hospital but to go home & they would keep me updated.  I wish I hadn't listened.  One of your friends called me that evening because he couldn't reach you.  He is one of the few people that knew something was going on.  Karen & I were trading calls all night to see if either had any news.  My parent's neighbor was calling because she saw no one was home.  I kept telling myself that no news was simply that - no news.  It was raining pretty steady that night & I remember standing on the balcony talking to God.  Telling Him I didn't want you to suffer anymore.  Apparently He heard me.  At midnight, I was getting ready to go to bed & the phone rang.  Dad called and said, "Your brother is dying.  Come now if you want to see him." and hung up.  I quickly changed clothes and headed out to the hospital in the rain.  Thankfully there was no traffic & I was able to get to the ICU quickly - even faster than Karen who lived closer!  The priest was there for last rites & then they allowed us to stay with you as they turned off the machines.  It still makes me cry to think of us standing there in the middle of the night when just earlier in the day, you were laughing & joking around.  Afterwards, I found out that they had lost you between 10 & 10:30 when bringing you up to ICU - which happens to be when I was conversing with God.  Needless to say I didn't expect such a quick response.  I joke about it now, but I don't know if I will have that conversation out loud again.  I know I (silently) said the same things when  Karen was dying & when mom died too, but I know I wasn't quite so bold as I was that rainy night in April 2003.  Officially you died on April 9th, but dad says it is today, April 8th.  Regardless, I miss you each & every day Joe.  You were a great brother & friend & I wish you were still here.