Starting to believe

This week has been an interesting one for me. Last Friday, we held our 12th Annual Joey C Cup to raise money for Life with Cancer. Thanks to amazing sponsors & friends, it was a great success. It is also the one day a year I see a lot of my brother's friends. It is great to see them & remember the good old days when we used to hang out with Joey.  It was also the day before I was to run 20 miles for Marine Corps training, so I was trying to behave & not eat or drink anything that would make me miserable the next day. This is so different than any other time I have trained for something. I am actually following the advice that is given to me and it is paying dividends.  I completed my 20 miles - ran a solid 15, then I got bored & started to walk.  Worst thing I can ever let myself do. I started to listen to my mind & talked myself out of running a lot of the remaining distance.  In the end, it took me 4 hours to go 20 miles, which was decent but it should have been faster. Later I was doing the calculations in my head & realized there was no way I was going to meet my goal if I did that much walking on race day. The next day, I went for a ride with the group from Lifetime. I wasn't sure how my legs would feel but figured I would give it a go. I ended up going the farthest I have ever gone (54 miles - thanks Dave).  I know it isn't a lot for some, but after the 20 mile run, I was done.  It was a good training weekend.

Since fall seems to be just around the corner, I decided to pull out my sweaters I had kept from last year. I tried on sweater after sweater & all of them were huge on me. In March, I thought these clothes fit me.  Six months later, there is no doubt that they are way too big. I looked at myself & couldn't believe that these things used to be tight on me. It should have been making me happy to see how big they were, but nope, I was upset. I was standing in my bedroom with tears streaming down my face. It was the first time I really saw how much my body has changed  I put most of them back - only keeping a couple out because they kind of fit me. I tried to process what happened & couldn't figure it out. The next morning, it dawned on my that is was probably multiple things that were going on in my brain. This is the first time in my life that I am a size 10.  I have been a size 14 or higher since high school. Is this a forever change for me? It scares the shit out of me - this is uncharted territory & if you know me, you know I like to know what is ahead. I think this is the biggest thing that was causing the anxiety the night before. I know that I don't want to go back to the person I was before. I am finally living the name of my blog and reinventing myself each day.

Today, I had a 12 mile training run scheduled.  My coach suggested I do it at the track. I said okay & hoped that he and a few others would be able to come out for a little bit of it to break up the monotony.  I got to the track just after 6:30 am.  Needless to say, it was dark & I was the only person there (that I could see!).  I knew Dave & Jen were supposed to be there around 7, so I got started.  The approach was to keep pace for a mile & repeat it twelve times with small breaks after each mile. Well, I did it a little differently (go figure).  I ended up running 4 miles before stopping for a few seconds.  My pacing was good - faster than marathon pacing, but that seems to be the story for every training run.  I did my first six miles in just over an hour. Dave & Jen had shown up around mile 3 and it was nice to see some friendly faces. My second six miles were just under an hour. I was really happy with the run. I wasn't sure how I was going to like running 48 laps at the track, but in the end I really enjoyed it.  I couldn't do it every training run, but it is something to remember down the road. I was able to dial in a pace & I knew just how far I had to go.  It gave me a huge confidence boost that I needed after last weekend's 20 miler. I had no doubts pop up in my mind. Even when my knee was hurting (because of my quad), I didn't allow myself to change the pace. Instead I worked on my stride which helped to stretch the quad & after the mile was over I stopped to stretch it out. It is the same thing that happened to me last year & I know how to deal with it.

I feel like I have turned a very important corner in my training. The fact that I went and ran 12 miles at a track without any negative self-talk is huge for me. The progress I am seeing in my body is great.  The change in my thinking is possibly the most important change I have noticed.  I believe I am going to be successful with my transformation.  I believe I will meet my goal time at the Marine Corps Marathon (hopefully I will crush it). And most importantly, I believe in myself.