Finding your stride

For years, I was anxious, angry & depressed. My anxiety grew & I turned into a shell of my former self. I distanced myself from family & friends. I hated physical contact especially hugs. I kept sinking deeper and was so unhappy. Then I one day I decided I didn't want to continue on that path. I started going back to the gym after just paying for my membership in the hopes I would go. I was searching for something to make me smile again and make me feel like I was good enough to be here. That was four years ago. Exercise has become part of my life. Without it, I feel like I am missing something. It hasn't been easy at all - physically, mentally & emotionally challenging. Hell, I don't think it ever will be easy, but challenges are there to make us stronger, so we must continue going forward. I am so fiercely independent (stubborn) and have convinced myself over the years that if I want something done I should just do it myself. I got to the point where I wouldn't accept help from others. I isolated myself because that was where I would be safe or so I thought. It has taken me years to break that mindset. I don't like to get close to people because I think as soon as I do, they are going to leave &

disappear from my life. Fortunately for me, everyone doesn't think this way. My tribe, as I like to call them, has broken through the walls I have put up over the years. Some walls are still there & I have a feeling I am going to have to be the one to bring them down, but my outlook on life and myself has improved greatly with their influence. Yesterday, I was reminded that I had once said I didn't like hugs. When I said that, it was true - I associated hugs with funerals of my family & sadness. Today, thanks to a better outlook on life, I see them as most people do - they are a normal part of life & should make you happy.  Sounds simple, but for so long, I didn't want anything to do with 'em. I've changed a lot since 2012. I'm still my harshest critic, but I am almost comfortable in my own skin. I've set some pretty lofty goals & I've reached almost all of them. I know I have achieved some pretty good things, but I don't always give myself credit for them - telling myself I could have done better. I forget that back in 2013, running was a struggle and I was so proud of my 38:15 for a 5k. Yesterday, I ran the same distance in 27:35. Still not winning any awards, but when I see things like that, it makes me laugh - I have come so far, but I feel it isn't enough. Will that thought process ever change? I wish I hadn't waited until I hit 40 to start this healthier life, but I am glad I was able to take that first step. I am healthier, happier and finally finding my stride. More importantly, it has lead me to some of the closest friendships I've had as an adult outside of my family. I still haven't found that special someone, but I have found some amazing people that allow me to be part of their lives and for that I'm blessed. Being friends with them makes me a better person. Coach says he's not building a better athlete, he's building a better you. I tend to believe it. And if you are giving out hugs, more likely than not these days, I'll take one too!