Version 2.0

Back when I started this blog in November 2010, life was so different.  I called it reinventing my days.  I was so overwhelmed with all the things life was throwing at me that I didn't know which way was up & was losing my way.  Mom had just been told her uterine cancer had metastasized & I was running around trying to keep things normal for everyone & ignoring the effects it had on myself.  Working full time & being a caregiver for more than six months straight will take a huge toll on your well being - mentally & physically. Over four years later, I see how badly it messed me up. I was completely shut down emotionally for close to 2 years. I wouldn't allow myself to be emotional around mom & after she lost her battle in June 2011, I couldn't find the way to decompress.  I was completely spent. It was one thing after another & I threw myself into work & helping out my dad not caring what it did to me.  In my mind, it was always about helping someone else - never about what I needed.  In the end, the only person that hurt was me.  I always joked with people that have met me since 2003 before my brother died - I say you don't know the real me - the fun me, I used to be so much fun before all this stuff happened! I am almost at the point after working through the last four years of deep depression, anxiety & other things where I am back to the real me. Maybe it is the new & improved version - Mel 2.0? I have kicked a lot of unhealthy habits & picked up a few great ones along the way.  It has been a long struggle & I have so many people to thank who wouldn't give up on me & let me know it was okay to be vulnerable & scared. If it weren't for my membership at Lifetime & all of the fantastic friends I have there, I know I wouldn't be where I am today. The body & mind will heal themselves if you give it time, but you can't do it alone. Trust me, I tried. I should have been in counseling, but the alpha in me wouldn't go for that. For now, I talk & write to get my feelings sorted out (sorry to all of you who are stuck listening to me!) Internalizing things just makes it worse. Grief is a challenging part of life & I long for the day when a song or a smell doesn't completely switch something in my brain & bring me to tears.

Hope you have a beautiful day & remember to smile - it makes people wonder what you are up to!